Broken heart

15 08 2009

I have been quiet lately.

I have not been blogging much. I have not spent much time with friends. I have been spending a lot of time reading and praying. Crying and trying to understand what God is doing in my life.

Mark and I have always placed a very high value on community and friendship, yet we’ve been going through a season where God has allowed these to be absent from our life. It has been a season of grieving. Of finding my identity in Christ, refusing to believe the lies and accusations of the enemy. It has been a time for introspection and seeking Jesus in the midst of this messy, broken world.

It has also been a time for hard work; training for the traithlon, providing food for my family, caring for three young children, and stewarding our home have taught me much about discipline. Patience. Humility.

I will not pretend to understand why God allows trials in our lives. This season has been heavy as we have watched friends battle cancer, loose children, struggle to put food on the table.

Break my heart for what breaks yours.

When I went to Seattle Pacific University ten years ago, the commencement address by Dr. Tim Dearborn, who had been a leader at World Vision, captured my heart. He challenged students to pray – fearlessly, boldly – God, break my heart for what breaks yours. He told us to open our Bible next to the newspaper, to seek God’s heart in the middle of this broken world.

Ten years later, I confess that I haven’t always sought God’s heart. I have worshiped created things rather than the Creator. I have cared too much about what other people think of me. I have held too tightly to the things that belong to God. Passion has been replaced by boredom. Glory by the mundane.

But God is doing something new.

In my heart, in my life. He is reminding me of who I am in Christ. He is reminding me of what he has done. He is reminding me of his heart. And I am captivated. Longing for his glory, for his will to be done, for his kingdom to come. For an end to AIDS. Cancer. Hunger. Miscarriage. Loneliness. Depression. Crying. Death.

This has been a season of heaviness. On one hand, I feel a weight that is spiritual warfare, almost like an elephant sitting on my chest. Satan wants me to believe his lies and accusations. He wants to distract me from what God is doing. He wants me to be consumed with bitterness and anger. But I also feel a deeper, heavier burden that is ultimately for God’s glory. As my heart is broken, I am seeing God’s heart for the broken. And I am compelled to respond.



One response

18 08 2009

hi friend. i miss you. will you come over? i’d love to talk about these things. my heart is a heavy place lately too. let’s share.

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