Rebellion and redemption

2 08 2008


I have recovered from an eating disorder. I praise God for the grace and truth he has poured into my life. I have been redeemed and transformed by the love and forgiveness of Jesus. I have learned to live a new way by the power of the Holy Spirit.

But I see in my heart a rebellion against my King, a plot to overthrow his authority.

Last year after my son Micah was born, I looked in the mirror and felt miserable. When my older son Asher was born several years earlier, I was able to start working out and my body recovered quickly. Two weeks after Micah was born, however, I was in a car accident that meant no exercise for several months. Somewhere in the middle of feeling frustration with my mommy body, I listened to the old familiar voice: “you know how to loose weight.”

I lost the baby weight and then some. For a while, the praise and attention I received from others and the ubiquitous comment “you look great for having a baby” felt good. But God turned up the heat in the other areas of my life. We were unable to sell our old house for what we thought it was worth. My husband and I moved our family in with my parents for a few months. In the midst of these situation, my husband and I both began to struggle with worsening depression and anxiety.

What began as a desire to lose a few pounds became a way to get through the day when I was full of anger, despair, or anxiety. Nothing sounded good except for coffee and wine. I tried to eat well, but struggled every day to do what I knew was right.

It is easy for me to acknowledge the suffering I experienced over the last year. It is somewhat harder to confess my sin.

Over the last year, I have rebelled against God. In foolishness and pride, I’ve said to God this part of my life is mine.

For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. 1 Samuel 15:23

Idolatry. My heart has turned from worshiping God to worshiping idols.


But God is faithful and he does not leave us where he finds us. He takes our idols and reveals that they are foolish and empty.

A week after I first wrote this post, which has been unpublished since early May, I found out that I was pregnant. In a moment of rebellion, my husband and I had decided not to be careful about birth control. We want more children, but our plans involved a nice, long break.

Out of that rebellion, however, God has brought us the blessing of another child. A little baby who is kicking the laptop from inside my tummy as I write this post three months later.

I have difficult pregnancies. I am severely morning sick and I have to be on medication to prevent miscarriage. In the second and third trimesters, I am at high risk for preterm labor. This time around I also have a placenta previa, which means the baby’s placenta is growing over my cervix. As a result, I will spend the rest of my pregnancy on some type of bedrest.

In all of this, I have to walk with Jesus in order to have the strength to nourish my body. For me gaining weight in pregnancy is a struggle. Every pound is an accomplishment. Every ounce means my baby is getting what he needs to grow. Every meal is an opportunity to honor God through my body, every bite a chance to give my son life.

This is redemption. Not just recovery.




One response

3 08 2008

man, i can’t even keep up w/ all your posts. i am so excited you’re writing so much. love it. jessi is about to send out an email about the writing group – just in time ;).

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